


A-Crack On Titan

by orphan_account



Series: Shingeki No Fanfictions [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 2020 is gay lets go back to 2013, A Slap On Titan, AOT abridged, Basically lots of references, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Eren Is a Hoe, Eren Is a Little Shit, Even Connie at some point, Gen, He'll do that work for you, I want crossdressing Eren, Im not sorry lmao, Just add Zeke, LMAO, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Is A Little Shit, Maybe Cute! Eren, Memes, Multi, Sleep is for the weak bitches, Tritches be bippin, Young Eren Yeager, Young Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), how does one tag, pretty much everybody is gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-01-22 23:15:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21310219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A mysterious entity has placed Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, Levi, Hange, Erwin, Eren, Mikasa and Armin in an empty, void-like dimension. They find alcohol and randomness ensues.
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Everyone, Levi/Eren Yeager, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover/Annie Leonhart/Eren Yeager
Series: Shingeki No Fanfictions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1654192
Comments: 7
Kudos: 29





	1. And so it begins...

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, this might be a one time thing, it might not. I don't know. This gonna be super OOC, but my excuse is alcohol. Fuck you and happy reading.  
Disclaimer: I OBVIOUSLY DON'T OWN ATTACK ON TITAN.  
DUH.

After Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt's betrayal, the woman of the group was able to escape. Hange suspected it was because of Eren's scream and everyone else thought it to be the only explanation to her escape (even Armin and Erwin). As per usual, Eren was pissed. He proceeded to leave the special ops' squad headquarters in human form and track down Annie. 

And that's how they got here. Eren just had to have a run-in with a crazy holy being. He just had to pique the god's curiosity about this universe. Now Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Hange, Levi and Erwin are stuck in a dimension full of NOTHING with Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt. 

It's been fun so far, what with Eren being a little bitch and refusing to talk to them. At least he's smart enough to know that they don't stand a chance against all three of them together. Annie has already curled up into a Titan ball and is actively crying. Reiner is continuously repeating "Poundtown" and holding his head. Bertholdt has questioned his sanity many times. Armin is staring off into space with glossy eyes similar to a Titan's. Mikasa has been knocked out multiple times by an annoyed Levi. Hange and Erwin are holding each other and questioning how such a place could exist.

Eren has worked up the confidence to walk over to Annie, who has created a pool under her face. The former put a hand under her stormy eyes and wiped her tears away.

"I'm not sure how this happened, but I missed you Annie." Eren admitted. It was an interesting sight to see, to say the least. Of course, Eren had become more docile after the death of that damn Smiling Titan. 

Annie nudged Eren's hand in acknowledgement. She closed her eyes and licked Eren. He nodded and smiled as steam clouded the empty space. Annie's dishevelled form emerged from the hot gas and hugged a surprised Eren. 

That was when Mikasa woke up. The black-haired girl's eyes practically glowed at the sight of Annie hugging Eren. The former unwrapped her arms and proceeded towards Reiner and Bertholdt. She pulled them both into a huge bear hug. 

Hange was glowing with excitement the entire time. Erwin had to put her into an odd choke hold to keep her from releasing a one-scientist massacre on every Titan Shifter in this godforsaken place. 

Armin, regaining what senses he had left, felt around the ground. His fingertips ran across the void's floor until he found something of interest. The floor sank in slightly and there was an obvious opening. The blonde decides to pry it open to find a treasure to behold. It was a whole compartment filled with alcohol of all kinds!

He grasps the dark tinted handles and lets out a squeak of relief. Finally, something to keep him sane. On one of the bottles hangs a black folded paper. He examines the paper until finally gathering enough curiosity to open it. He unfolds the paper to see small, somewhat legible handwriting.

" _ Dear void dwellers, _

_ I leave you with some alcohol to keep you up and running through this. Have fun! _

_ ~Sincerely, _

_ Aura" _

"Hey everybody, I found alcohol!" Armin cheers.

That was a bad idea. Now they're all drunk.

"Y'know, I forgot why I hate you guys! Let's be friends!" Eren, in all his pink-cheeked glory, proposes. 

"Eh, why not! What do we have to lose?" Bertholdt responds with little slur.

"POUNDTOWN!" Reiner happily blurts.

"Poundtown!" The group collectively cheers, well, except Levi. Levi doesn't cheer because he’s a fuckin’ normie.

“I heard that.” The raven says to no-one in particular.

“ _ What the fuck? _ ”

"How's about you guys turn into Titans?" Hange suggests with a glint in her eyes. 

Annie, being the little shit she is, drunkenly agrees. The rest follow her lead. 

"Is it just me, or should those four get together?" Armin asks.

Hange nods without turning away from the four Titans before her. Bertholdt has figured out that he can hold all three of his fellow shifters in his arms. Who knew?

"Can we just take a moment to contemplate why we're the only ones here?" Erwin asks.

" _ Simple. You nine are popular trios. You, Levi and Hange are the Survey Corps trio. Eren, Mikasa and Armin are the Shiganshina trio. Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt are the Warrior trio. _ " An echoing voice explains. 

"That begs the question; why only us? There are many different notable trios." 

" _ Because why the fuck not? _ "

"Echoing voice has a damn good point." Levi interjects. 

" _ Why thank you. _ "

"Don't mention it."

" _ Don't have anyone to mention it to. _ "

"That's sad." Armin interrupts.

" _ Indeed. _ "

"Hey, you know what else is sad?" Levi says.

"What?" Armin asks.

"Ackermann."

"True."

" _ Hey, anybody else think that those four should get together? Can I get a show of hands? _ "

" _ One, two… Three… Six… Everybody except Levi? _ "

"Didn't think those four would raise their hands too." Hange says with her gaze still directed at the now cuddling mass of Titan Shifters.

"Do you think they would be able to speak if they tried hard enough?"

" _ Sure, why not. _ "

"HEY, YOU BUNCH OF BEAUTIFUL TITANS! CAN YOU SPEAK?" 

" **Sure, why not?** "

" **Annie no-** "

" **Shut the fuck up Reiner.** "

" **Nah.** "

" **Sigh.** "

" **Did you just 'er-ally sigh?** "

" **Wow Eren you suck a talking.** "

"**You try s-eaking** **without li-s.**"

"**Okay fine, I will.** **Look at 'e- Now I understand where you're coming from. This is harder than it looks.**"

" **Yeah Annie, that's what I thought.** "

" ** _CAN YOU GUYS JUST NOT?_ ** "

" **Oh wow. Bert' can speak.** "

" ** _SHUT UP REINER._ ** "

" **Nah.** "

"Am I drunk or did that seriously just happen?" Armin asks.

"Both." Erwin replies. 

"Goddamit."


	2. Hange no-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We should just ban Hange from everything.

When we left off last time Armin was questioning his sanity. Goddamit Erwin.

“BEEP SQUAD!” Hange shouts. 

“Beep.” Levi, to everyone’s surprise, replies  _ willingly. _

“Well sweet mother Teresa and the hood of a  _ Mercedes Benz _ , Levi just memed!” Hange cheers.

“I sound like a majestic fucking eagle.” Levi’s words are followed with Armin’s stuttering and the ‘sweet’ singing voice of Erwin impersonating Shadis. If there’s one thing Erwin is bad at, it’s singing. He’s pretty good at impersonations though.

“ **Kiss nee Annie!** ” Eren cries happily. He seems to have figured out that he can replace ‘M’ with ‘N’.

“ **Nah, I’m good.** ” Annie denies.

“ **I’ll kiss you Eren!** ” Reiner offers.

“ **You have rock lips though!** ” Eren wails.

“ **Don’t be so judgemental! Meanie.** ” Reiner pouts.

“ ** _SHUT UP REINER._ ** ” Bertholdt cuts in.

“ **Nah.** ” Reiner chuckles.

“Swiggity swooty, I’m comin’ for that Titan booty.” Hange whispers, a hint of sadism laced within her already creepy words. 

“Oh hell no-” Armin is cut off by a gust of wind as he watches Hange speed towards the Titan cluster. And now she’s on it. In it. There goes Hange. Goddammit.

“Hange come back here!” Erwin commands.

“You can’t make me do anything!” Hange whines while coming out of the Titan cuddle ball of her back. She uses her legs to scooch her Titan-loving -albeit nice- ass back to the humans. 

Suddenly, Mikasa wakes up. She doesn’t flail, struggle or fight, but there’s a terrifying glint in her eyes. She breathes in. 

And out comes the loudest, most awkward and inhuman screech anybody has ever heard. It’s like a mixture between turtle hissing, goose hissing, turtle screeching, Titan screeching and crow cawing. How does one even make that kind of noise?

As soon as Eren hears it he bolts up and looks for Mikasa. 

“Eren!! You’re a  ** _TITAN_ ** !!” Mikasa screams. 

Oh shit. That wasn’t a good idea. I literally cannot explain what just happened. There are no words. But now he’s crying in his human form. On Levi’s lap. Welp.

Actually, he looks pretty happy about it. 

“ERERI-”

Wait Hange no you’re gonna break the universe-


	3. References...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay boomer.

So, you've arrived once again. Over the

course of the last few 'hours' so to speak, Hange has been tied up. To be completely honest, she deserves it. 

"It's okay Eren, we still love you even if you're a Titan." Mikasa consoles as she tries to subtly pry her brother off of Levi. 

"We all know that you're a supporter of EreMika, but let Ereri happen." Armin suggests. He receives a glare from the female Ackermann and a nod from the male. 

"Indeed. As much as I love a good EreMika moment, I much prefer Ereri." Erwin agrees.

"I thought you would like Eruri." Armin replies.

"I support anything that Levi does, aside from insubordination, that is." Erwin says.

"Why doesn't anybody like Eremika?" Mikasa questions.

"It's kind of typical. Sometimes we need something different." Armin explains.

"He has a point." Levi admits.

"It's even weirder that you agree with this." Erwin says.

"New headcanon, Levi reads Erotica books while thinking about Eren!" Hange shouts from her metal restraints.

" **That's just wrong-** " 

" ** _SHUT UP AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT EREN AND LEVI ARE MEANT FOR EACHOTHER REINER!_ ** "

" **Okay boomer** ."

" ** _BITCH I COULD CRUSH YO' SCRAWNY ASS WITH MY FINGER, DON'T EVEN GO THERE._ ** " 

" **Can y'all not?** "

" ** _NOT UNTIL THIS BUTCH APOLOGIZES FOR CALLING ME 'BOOMER'_ ** ."

" **Reiner, apologize.** "

" **Okay, boomer.** "

" **BITCH-** "

The Titan Shifters' conversation ceased and was followed up with Annie completely destroying Reiner. We all knew that he was a little bitch when it came to fighting anyway.

Checking back in with the relevant people that aren't in the void, we find Jean and Connie looking everywhere for Eren. Hajime knows what he did to get those two looking for him.

"Where in the hell is everybody?" Jean asked Connie.

"Fuck if I know." Connie replies with a shrug.

" _ I wonder if I should abduct you three too… _ " A voice ponders out loud.

"What the fuck-"

And suddenly Jean and Connie end up in a white void. Jean lifts his head to see a Titan pile, Eren crying on Levi's lap while the latter pets him, Mikasa trying to convince Eren that they still love him even if he's a Titan, Hange tied to Hajime-knows-what and Erwin and Armin discussing 'ships'. 

The horse-faced boy turns his head as Connie groans beside him.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Jean screeches.

Eren, just Eren, lifts his head up and glares at Jean with those Strong-Titan-Green eyes of his. Nobody else pays any mind to him as he glares back at his rival.

"Jean Kirstein, in the flesh."

"Here comes the irrelevant squad."

"We should-"

"Shut up Armin!"

"Sorry Eren!"

"Look who with him!"

"Oh my Hajime…"

"Dang, dang, dingity, dang da-dang!" 

" _ Applause to you! _ "

"Thank you wierd voice!!"

" _ You're welcome _ ."


	4. 3.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self Indulgent Ereri

“Why open your legs when you can open the bible?” Armin asked.

“I only bust it open for Jesus.” Eren replied.

“You two need to stop-”

“No they don’t.” Levi was interrupted by Erwin.

“Two shots for Erwin being the best mom!” Hange shouted with two shot glasses full of whiskey in both hands. She had been untied just a few minutes ago by Connie.

“I’ll drink to that.” Jean agreed.

“Well take one then!” Hange slid the half-full fifth of liquor over to the Horse-Faced teen. 

“Hey! Levi and Eren should kiss!” Armin suggested. Mikasa didn’t exactly like that idea. 

“Yeah! Kiss, kiss!” Sasha cheered.

“Shall we put on a show?” Eren asked the raven.

“Fuck it, let do it.”

The two pressed their warm lips on each other’s, their bodies melting together as lust built up in the air around them. Every movement brought them closer as they ground into each other with passion. Heat built up in Eren’s stomach at the feeling of Levi’s hands roaming around on the former’s toned eight pack. 

“All right, you two should stop before Levi shoves his dick in your ass.” Mikasa sneered.

“I’m not opposed to that.” Eren protested.

“To be completely honest, I’m not either.” Armin admitted.

Hums of agreement sounded out as the crowd nodded at the idea of seeing the two have hot steamy intercourse in front of them.

“Well I am! I don’t want to see my b- _ brother… _ being fucked in the ass by that fuckin midget!!” Mikasa stumbled on ‘brother’.

“Oh well.”


	5. 3.5.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a song, y'know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Attack On Titan, or this song for that matter. 
> 
> Attack On Titan is owned by Hajime Isayama, please support the official release!
> 
> Die Young (AOT parody) is owned by uts in boots. Here's a link: https://youtu.be/84UQgrq3knw

"We should sing Die Young!" Sasha suggests.

"Make it so it fits our universe though." Hange says.

And so, they took hours and hours of planning out a song and even longer to rehearse it enough to sing it properly. With the help of _Mysterious Voice_, they got music to go with it.

Remember dear audience, don't get eaten alive. And that all these lyrics should be listened to with _Die Young by Ke$ha (Instrumental)_ playing in the background.

"Screw this! The main character just died  
I gotta get out of here before I  
run into another wa-!!" Armin screams.

  
"I can hear Armin scream, what the crap's going on?" Jean asks.

  
"BITCH YOU'D SCREAM TO!" Eren shouts in anger.

  
"Wanna bet your other arm?" Jean retorts.

  
"TO KILL YOU I JUST NEED ONE!!!" Eren responds with murder in his voice.

  
"Hey guys come on, please don't fight, no ones gonna die young..." Connie interrupts.

  
"Not gonna die young!" Bertholdt sings.

  
"Our love won't die young!" Levi and Eren harmonize.

  
"Hey 'Marco's' right, cuz' tonight, no one's gonna die young!" Everybody sings, referring to Connie as their make-shift Marco.

  
"Half baked but still we'll be fine, we're not gonna die young!" Connie replies.

  
"I'm not gonna die, half of thats a god damn lie. Damn fools out their minds. Guess they forgot that one time. I mean, It's not like it was episode one." Erwin solos.

  
"YA KNOW!"

  
"I wasn't there but heard it wasn't that fun." Jean says with disinterest.

  
"FO' SHO!"

  
"Half of me wants to say that your right..." Connie starts.

  
"YEA!!"

  
"But I know you'll lead us through this fight!" The bald boy continues.

  
"Holy crap!" Sasha cries as she contorts her face into one of fear and surprise.

  
"We screwed up our lives!" Reiner shouts.

  
"UH-HUH!"

  
"Fighting Titans till we die!"

"I'm Thomas Wagner I'll-" Reiner sings as their stand-in Thomas.

  
"He'll be the first one to die." Jean deadpans.

  
"Hey, have you met my friend Jean? He's a funny guy." Connie chuckles weakly. 

  
"Baby, you're safe in my arms~" Levi hugs Eren close.

  
"I know our love will survive!" Hange gushes while hugging a now-disposing Titan corpse.

  
"Not past episode five! Huh? Oh, crap, they all died... How'm I still alive?" Jean hisses.

  
"Guess I was wrong, in this arc, everybody dies young... Hope I survive-" Connie pleads to nobody in particular.

  
"Marco died?!! Tell someone, help me someone!" Jean cries while hugging poor Connie.

  
"'Sup punks! Little dorks, welcome to the survey corps. Think your safe, but your not. Grab a cape and buckle up!" Levi and Erwin harmonize.

  
"Aw man, I can't believe I joined these dicks!" Jean complains.

  
"Ya know!"

"Oh God, I'm gonna die!" Sasha blurts.

  
"I'm gonna be sick..." Bertholdt mutters.

  
"Fo' Sho!"

  
"QUIT YOUR BITCHIN', WE GOTTA GO!!" Eren declares. 

  
"Yeah!"

  
"Marco's dead you asshole!" Jean snaps.

  
"What?! I didn't know!!" Eren defends.

  
"This is it, we're going outside." Armin murmurs. 

  
"Uh-huh!:

  
"Fighting titans, til' we die!"

  
"Check out that titans ass!" Reiner exclaims pervertedly.

  
"Reiner wait!" Armin hollers. 

  
"Holy fuck!!!" Reiner cries. 

  
"Hey I'm okay, betcha' thought that I was gone!" Reiner announced smugly.

  
"I'll fucking kill you, you bitch!!!" Eren screeches demonically. 

  
"Hey Armin bro', you alright?" Jean asks.

  
"Cuz we're gonna die young..." Armin mutters.

  
"I thought I heard Armin scream!" Eren shouts with worry.

  
"No one cares." Levi deadpans.

  
"But Heichou..." Eren pleads.

  
"That titan chick's rubbing squads to kingdom come!" Levi counters.

  
"Hey, shouldn't I?" Eren asks.

  
"Not a chance. We must advance let them go, or we're gonna die young." Levi replies.

  
"Hnnn... I never have any fun..." Eren whimpers

  
"To cute to die young!" Hange says with pride.

  
"My best friend's gone... But no I am not gonna die young..." Jean mutters, finishing the song. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I regret everything.


	6. Ass.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ass.

After the whole crowd got to watch Levi and Eren have a nice, long make out session (sadly without any sex), they were pretty happy.

"Hey Eren, you know how Zeke is your brother?"

"Hey, I'm not supposed to know that yet. I'm not hobo Eren."

"Yeah, but like, remember how he's your half brother?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Have you two done anything remotely brotherly?"

"If you count getting the shit beat out of you by Levi, then yes. Otherwise, not that I can remember."

"Right, right, at the point of the storyline we're in you two still haven't met. How long until we plug up Maria again?"

"Ehhh, I'd say just a few weeks."

"Awesome. Has your older self fucked with the timeline yet?"

"I did that when dad decided on murdering Historia's aunts and uncles."

"Alright. Right, that brings me back to what I was wondering. Should I ask weird voice to grab Zeke?"

"Sure, it's whatever Armin."

"Awesome! You hear that weird voice? We can snatch up Zeke!"

" _ Sounds good! Should I grab Ymir too? _ "

"Sure, fuck it. We know how much Eren likes to hug her every timeline."

" _ Alright. Give me a bit. _ "

Armin and Eren waited as the others - aside from Levi - chatted with each other. Levi decided to curl up into a very small ball in Eren's lap.

" _ Also, how does bringing Older Eren and Younger Levi here sound? _ "

"Sounds great weird voice!"

" _ Aight, see you in a bit. _ "

Soon after four figures appeared in the void. One was the beastly brother of Eren; Zeke Jaeger. The other was Ymir Fritz, the first Titan ever. The third was small and petite, yet somehow very muscular. They lacked any noticeable dirt, making him Young Captain Levi (or Little-Vi) The last was most definitely Man Bun Eren. There's no doubt that man bun was on anybody else.

"Little Captain!!" Hange screamed in delight.

"Who's you?"

"Aww, he has an Underground twang!"

"Yeah, I'm from the Underground, what's it to ya'? And where in the ninth circle o' hell are we?"

"This is a fuckin' void." 

"Paths has absorbed me…" Interrupted Older Eren, who happened to have an interestingly distant look on his soft nineteen-year-old face.

"Now that I finally get to see Eren as a nineteen year old, I can agree that he looks pretty good." Levi said.

“Is that me?” Little-Vi asked in bewilderment. 

“You bet your scrawny ass it is.” Levi replied.

“So, now that we have copies of each other, we should give codenames!” Hange suggested.

“Sounds good.” Eren - not Man Bun Eren - agreed.

“Alright, Little Levi! Your codename is Little-Vi. Older Eren, your codename is  Jägerbomb! Eren is baby dic- I mean Eren and Levi is still Levi!” Hange exclaimed.

“What were you about to call me?” 

“NOTHING!” 

“That’s what I thought.”

“WHY AM I HERE!? WHAT IS THIS PLACE!?” Jägerbomb demanded.

“ _ This is the void in between universes. I’m the reason you’re here. _ ” 

Jägerbomb, startled, bit his hand. With a nuclear flash of light, he turned into a Titan. 

“Well would you look at that, Titan Forms change with age.” Hange noted, examining the aged face of Eren’s Titan. 

“Eren! Control yourself!” Ymir spoke up.

Jägerbomb immediately stopped when he heard Ymir’s voice. He turned to her, his tapered ears flicking around innocently. Jägerbomb made puppy eyes at the young founder as she commanded his to sit and behave.

“ _ This reminds me of Kagome and Inuyasha. _ ” 

“Who?” Erwin asked.

“ _ People from another universe. _ ”

“I see…”

“ _ Universes are a bitch to keep up with. _ ”

“Really? How so?”   
“ _ Imagine commanding thousands of armies at once and having to know every member on a personal level. _ ” 

“Wow…”

“_Yeah. Thankfully, I am so powerful that I can do that._ _In fact, at the moment, I’m also in two different universes. I call them ‘_**_Boku no Hero Academia_**_’ and ‘_**_Ao no Exorcist_**_’. ‘_**_Ao no Exorcist_**_’ is about _“Rin Okumura who appears to be an ordinary, somewhat troublesome teenager—that is until one day he is ambushed by demons. His world turns upside down when he discovers that he is in fact the very son of Satan and that his demon father wishes for him to return so they can conquer Assiah together.” (My Anime List Synopsis)._’_**_Boku no Hero Academia_**_’ is about _“Izuku Midoriya, a boy born without superpowers in a world where they are the norm, but who still dreams of becoming a superhero himself, and is scouted by the world's greatest **hero** who shares his powers with Izuku after recognizing his value and enrolls him in a high school for **heroes** in training.” (My Anime List Synopsis).”

“Interesting.”

“ _ Indeed _ .”

Mysterious Voice and Erwin continued conversing about different universes.

“ _ I feel as if I should reveal my name. _ ”

“Shut up everybody! Mysterious Voice is about to reveal their name!” Hange boomed excitedly.

“ _ Thank you Hange. And for future reference, my gender is Female. My name is Aura Spectre, A.S. for short. But you could also refer to me as Ass. I accept that too. _ ” Aura announced.

“Ass it is!” Levi replied.


	7. Eren is a hoe...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is a hoe...

We converge again to find that Jägerbomb and Lil'Vi are pretty much the same age. In fact, Jägerbomb likes to make fun of Lil'Vi for being practically a foot shorter than himself.

"Jägerbomb, we get that you're taller than everybody else here, but shut the fuck up. Your nickname doesn't have to be as awesome as it is." Hange deadpans.

" _ Y'all, instead of fighting, how about you play Minecraft?"  _ Ass suggests.

"Sounds good." Jägerbomb saays.

And so, they set up Minecraft. 

"Creeper." Eren starts.

"AWW MAN." Jägerbomb continues.

"So we back in the mine-" Lil'Vi sings.

"Got our pickaxe swingin' from-" Levi makes a mock- swing.

"Side to side! Side- side to side!" The group harmonizes.

"Chills, chills man." Hange cries while clapping violently. 

"NO MY MINECRAFT VILLAGE!!!" Armin screeches, the sound of explosions coming shortly after.

"Ooohhhh- Ouch… That's gotta hurt…" Connie whistles.

"You think?!" Armin replies.

"Calm down Armin, you can always repair it." Mikasa pats the blonde on the back.

"Says the girl who got diamonds right off the bat!" Armin sneers.

"It's not my fault I'm better at games than you are Armin. **"**

**"** You're better than everyone except Levi at everything!" 

"That's not true. You and Eren are better at Titan Shifting than me."

"THAT'S BECAUSE WE'RE TITANS!!"

"SEID IRD DAS ESSEN NEIN WIR SIND DER JÄGER!!" Eren and Jägerbomb scream angrily.

"Oh what the fuck-" Levi is interrupted by massive amounts of TNT exploding from under his well fortified village.

"YOU LITTLE SHITS!!" Levi throws down the controller and starts beating down Eren while Jägerbomb tries to convince a very, very focused Ymir Fritz to help them.

"You haven't seen the worst of it." Ymir sneers while flooding Levi's village with buckets upon buckets of lava.

"MOTHERFUCKER!!!" The raven let's go of a badly bruised Eren and grips his hair at the roots, tugging violently at his hairs while raging to levels no one has seen before.

"DAMMIT!!! DO YOU BRATS HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG I WORKED ON THAT VILLAGE?! FIVE FULL FUCKING HOURS!!!"

"Jean, why are you naked?" Sasha asks.

"What do you mea- GOOD GRAVY I'M FUCKING NAKED!!" Jean screams.

"When I tell you I CACKLED-" Hange said while dying on the floor.

"GET THE FUCK OUTTA’ MY ROOM I'M PLAYING MINECRAFT-" Reiner blurts.

"Stop breaking through my walls you pompous asshole!!" Annie punches Reiner in the nose.

"Both of you underestimate me." Bertholdt mutters. 

"Oh God-" 

"BERTHOLDT!! GODDAMN YOU!!" 

"Noooo!!! My farm!! My sweet, sweet farm!!" 

" _ Alrighty, I think that's enough for today. _ " Ass takes away the Ps4's and leaves them with a their TVs.

"Sonohi, jinrui wa omoidashita…" Armin whispers.

“Don’t start with THAT bullshit again.” Eren groans, still recovering from his beating. His last wound steams away with a hiss.

“I’m gonna start with THAT bullshit again and you can’t stop me!” Armin frowns at his best friend’s disapproval.

“Hey Armin, wanna make out?” Jean blurts, startling everybody with his words.

“I would much rather make out with Eren.” Armin deadpans.

“I’ll take you up on that offer.” Eren presses his lips to the blonde’s. Armin responds with a small groan as their mouths mold together in perfect harmony. Eren breaks away, a string of glistening saliva stretching between them. 

“Wow…” Armin breathes, dumbfounded.

“So, I think we’ve determined that Eren is a hoe.” Reiner grunts.

“Yep, sounds about right.” Eren replies.

“Yo’ Levi!” Low pitched words barrel through the void. The owner of the baritone voice stalks up behind the group, metals clinking and boots thudding.

“KENNYYYYYY!!!” Levi shouts, his cry laced with fury and vexation. He turns around to face the old man.

“You haven’t grown one bit small fry!” Kenny pats both Levi’s on their heads. Lil’Vi grumbles in light annoyance while Levi just straight up tries to bite the man’s hand.

“Touch me again, see what happens!” Levi threatens.

“Jesus Christ, calm yo’ tits. I’m not here to harm anybody. I struck a deal with Ass and got the privilege of hanging out with you guys under the conditions that I don’t murder anybody.” Kenny smirks, his smugness flowing off of him like water pouring over a glass cup. 

“I call bullshit!” Levi snaps.

“ _ There’s no bullshit to be called Admiral Casual. Kenny isn’t lying. _ ” Ass explains.

“Gah, why would you invite him?!” 

“ _ Because I forgot Zeke. _ ”.

“How could you forget ZEKE?!” 

“ _ Look, he should be arriving any minute now. Chill out. _ ”

“I hope you didn’t forget anybody else.”

“ _ Oh no, I invited the Titan Shifters too. _ ”

“All of them?”

“ _ Yep! _ ”

“Good.”

They all went back to doing their own things, aside from  Jäger. He was offering free make out sessions.

**(STYLE CHANGE)**

Eren stalked over to Jean, unhappy about the fact that he had to make out with everyone here.

“Alright, let’s get this over with Horseface.” Eren smashed his lips onto Jean’s, the dirty blonde’s eyes going wide. Eren pulled away gagging and coughing, while Jean sat there dazed. Had he really just kissed Eren Jäger?

Eren moved onto Reiner, his smile coming back as he sat down next to the bulky blond and took his lips for his own. Reiner smiled into the kiss, their friendly manner still present as Eren laughed heartily in between kisses. Eren pulled back, smiling at Reiner before moving onto Bertholdt.

The tall teen was shaking, his heart audible as he prepared himself for Eren. The brunette, bless his kind heart, patted Bertholdt on the head and gave him a soothing peck on the cheek. He then moved onto his lips, Eren’s warming smile present as they melted into a soft kiss. Bertholdt broke it after a minute, a blush visible on his cheeks. Eren chuckled good-heartedly and gave Bertholdt one more kiss before making his way to Erwin. 

Erwin smiled, his eyes closed and eyebrows sparkling. Eren sat down next to Commander Sexy, a lusty smirk on his face. Their lips met, molding softly together with passion. Eren seemed to lean into the kiss more than any other, his respect for the man present as their tongues danced. Eren pulled back, wiping his mouth and saluting.

Eren gave Connie quick passing kiss, not too thrilled at the idea of kissing the bald boy.

Eren moved onto the women. He refused to kiss Zeke or Kenny, as the former was his brother and the latter was old and dusty. He saw no reason to kiss himself either.

An excited Mikasa bounced as Eren approached her, her stormy eyes practically glowing.

"Somebody's excited." Eren laughed.

"Hah? N-No, I'm not." Mikasa stuttered, regaining her composure.

Eren wrapped his arms around Mikasa and laid his lips on hers. She gasped at the contact, her first kiss being taken by the love of her life. She wished for the contact to last forever as she returned the kiss as lovingly as possible. Eren parted their lips and gave her one last hug before moving onto Hange.

Hange's enthusiasm was seeping out of her as she squealed when Eren turned towards her. He chuckled and cupped her face with his hands, pulling her close. He took her lips with his, eliciting an odd squeak from her. He spent extra long with her, hoping to quench her odd thirst for experimenting on him. Unexpectedly, she pulled away and took out a notebook. Hange began frantically writing in it, only to look up for a second to see his dumbfounded face.

"You taste like potatoes!" She cheered.

"That's because I ate potatoes." Eren deadpanned.

"Oh- OH! Sorry, my bad!" Hange laughed.

Eren shook his head and put on a smile once again. He quickly paced towards a distracted Sasha, who had found some kind of meat and was chewing on it with ferocity.

"Sasha?" Eren called, startling her.

"Y-Yeah?" She said, her mouth full.

"It's your turn." 

"Oh! Sorry!" Sasha quickly swallowed and wiped her mouth.

Eren shook his head and leaned down to kiss her. He went quickly, as it was obvious the girl wanted to continue eating her meal as soon as possible. He pulled away, her lips leaving on odd, robust taste on his. He licked it off and turned to Annie.

Annie smiled slightly, her cheeks pink. She twirled her hair in one finger as he approached her.

Eren wrapped an arm around her torso to keep her balanced as he leaned in. His lips met her cold ones with an unexpected viciousness. The challenge was obvious; who could kiss better? She was determined to win and quickly fought for dominance. By the end of the challenge she had pinned him down and won, her lips swollen and eyes dark. She smiled in amusement at his loss.

Eren felt a wave of embarrassment flow off of him as he righted himself and took in the sight of Levi.

Levi, his Captain, his friend, his  _ lover _ . Sat patiently, gunmetal grey eyes peering at him with eagerness. Eren softly smiled and cleaned himself up before stepped towards the man. He got close, only to have his world turned upside-down as his was pinned down once again. However, instead of just a kiss on the lips, Levi kissed everywhere. Eren squeaked at the feeling of Levi's lips on his stomach while his friends watched. 

By the middle of their session, Eren found himself with angry hickeys and a raging erection. He was in for a long night… Day? Afternoon? Whatever it was, it was going to be long and hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're totally gonna fuck.


End file.
